im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
