I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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