all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
