Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
