u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
