Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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