im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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