My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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