Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
