Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
