That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize