hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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