my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
