i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
