he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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