Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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