I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
