I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
