Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
