Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
