Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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