I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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