I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
