I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
