well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
