chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just want to make out with him forever
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
