she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
