Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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