im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
