Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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