ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
