My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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