why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
