I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
