Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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