Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
