The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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