His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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