I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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