I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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