i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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