I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
