he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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