I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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