I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
