My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
