"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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