I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
