I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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