Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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