i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
