I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize