The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
