I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
