best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
