I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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