mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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