you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Soap is not a condiment
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
