My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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