Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
