this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
