Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
