My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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