I am puke
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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