You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
