i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
That's intense
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
