Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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