Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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