I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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