You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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