so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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