Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I checked into jail on foursquare
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
